Taking care of what is on the inside has become ever so important to me.
For so long, like so many others, I struggled with how I was acting, looking, and showcasing myself.
I am strong enough to admit that now.
As I became a mother, I was enthralled (and enjoyingly so) with being the primary caretaker of my love bugs. I was their constant, their source of all learnings, and I was really ready for that. I, aside from my children, became that wife…you know that ever supportive, roll with the husband’s ambitions and ideas, and stand by your man type of wife, really relishing at being just a caretaker of my family, that’s my domain, that’s my home and set of rocks. After that, I started to feel overwhelmed at being the perfect person or friend and being there for others before myself, even if my gut at the time was telling me otherwise. At some point, in doing all that, I forgot about myself. I let myself forget about me. Because, I, like the rest, am important too.
A bit of me, I think, expected someone else to remember and take care of me because I was busy taking care of everything and everyone else. But there came a reality check…nobody will do that, and it’s nobody’s job to do that.
I’m not saying this to be harsh or be a victim, it’s a reality check. It’s a wake-up call. It’s a call to action.
Independence relies on us being able to focus on that voice within and assigning its priority in the world.
As time goes on, when you are the “reliable caretaker or the friend that never disappoints” you slowly start to see peoples expectations increase and appreciation decrease. Is it because everyone is an A**hole? or is it because you have allowed that to occur by diminishing your own importance and quieting your actual opinion and want?
Fast forward to now, I have goals…again. My children know my goals and cheer me on, you can read about it on my post on “Love Thyself – A Journey of Self-Care.”
However, something is still bothering me at times. Is it because the progress is slow? Maybe. Is it because I feel often alone in my endeavors? Perhaps. Or is it because I myself have self-doubt still? Likely.
I cried tonight…I cried hard.
I cried because I felt, gosh I do so much all day long, and when I want to voice my own goals, it’s perceived as “silly talk”. I also felt that when it was time to work on me, that I was alone in that journey and I’m hearing that I do not do enough as a wife and mother (not in those words but that is what I hear), and I look around at a messy place, papers piled up, to dos stacked to the nine, and piles of laundry still to touch…how can I possibly go now and work on a blog, my writing goals, and find energy to get that body back through exercise. There is no time, no support and no way.
I had hit a low point.
So whose voice am I hearing? Whose putting these doubts in my head? Who is telling me I will never progress and move ahead. As I was thinking I literally said to myself “I know what I have to do and what I want to do. But I feel I have to do with a stabbing earache of the noise of doubters and naysayers.”
It is night and everyone else is asleep. So, who is saying this?
Suddenly, I felt compelled to go and write a raw/real post, because that is what I do best. I hesitated…because I have a million other things to do…but here I am, writing. And not writing for engagement, but writing from the heart, and pouring out my feelings.
The truth, I realize as I write this out. It’s no one else. It’s that awful voice within me, that resides in all of us, that is negative and hateful. However, only if I choose to listen will it ever gain any power. If there is a naysayer out there, would I physically listen and accept it? So why now, why would I allow myself to ever put off anything, no matter what the other expectations of me out there are.
Absolutely no expectation matters more than the one I put forward for myself. That notion deserves to breathe…with positivity and life.
Just as I do as a mother, as a wife, I deserve to give myself that same positive energy towards anything and EVERYTHING I want to do and become.
So, shut up you stupid negative and non-existent voice, because I am so F**ing amazing. I’m the best mother, the best wife, and the best ME in the world, and if I say I’m going to stick and kick all my goals’ asses, then there isn’t a naysayer out there that can prevent me.
Yes there will be some hard days, and yes I have to put the work in, and by God, there will be long nights. But I know I can do anything I truly put my heart and soul into.
Sigh.
Released.
Time to work.
